I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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