I wish my penis had an off switch
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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