Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
