Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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