you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
