That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
