I think I won the penis lottery.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
