Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
