Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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