oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
