so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I deserve this hangover.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
