i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
