I haven't been this sober since birth.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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