Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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