why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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