I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
