It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
