You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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