dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
