The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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