His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
