Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
What is this nonsense on the table
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."