If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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