it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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