I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
