I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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