My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
