Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
