I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Even my vagina gasped.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Two words: nipple clamps
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