so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
