all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
