fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I met the friendliest cop last night
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
