do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I am one with the molecules
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
