Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
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