I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
