: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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