the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
