She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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