I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
