White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
