last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
