Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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