im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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