If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
