if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
