apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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