you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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