today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
