the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
