my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
