Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
