Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
