I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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