forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
