If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
