I want to make a zoo with you.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
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