really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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