ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize
