When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
