im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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