yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
